How to deal with favoritism at work

Favoritism — when someone's outcomes at work are determined more by their relationship to a manager than by their performance — is one of the most demoralizing things that can happen in a career.

It's also one of the hardest to address, because it's often invisible to the person doing the favoring, denied by the organization when raised, and experienced as personal by the people on the receiving end.

This is a guide for people who suspect they're being treated unfairly, want to assess that clearly, and are trying to decide what to do.

First: is it actually favoritism?

Before acting, assess honestly.

Favoritism means someone is getting better treatment — better assignments, more visibility, faster promotion, more grace when they make mistakes — because of their personal relationship with decision-makers, not because of their performance.

This is different from: - Someone being more effective at your level and therefore getting more opportunities (they're earning it) - A colleague having more experience or context in a specific area and therefore being assigned to certain work (it's appropriate) - A colleague being more senior and therefore getting access to more senior projects (that's how hierarchies work)

The honest diagnostic question is: if the personal relationship were removed — if this person were a stranger to your manager — would they still get what they're getting based on their work alone?

If the answer is yes, you may be dealing with a performance gap, not favoritism. If the answer is no — if the relationship is clearly doing work that the performance doesn't justify — it's probably favoritism.

What favoritism actually looks like

Concrete signs: - A colleague makes a significant mistake and faces no consequences. You make a smaller one and are put on notice. - Information about strategy, decisions, or upcoming changes is shared informally with some people but not others, consistently along relationship lines - Credit for work is attributed to the favored person even when the work was clearly distributed or done by someone else - Development opportunities, high-visibility projects, or access to leadership are allocated based on social comfort rather than readiness - Your manager frequently mentions the favored colleague's good work but rarely or never mentions yours

What you can actually do

Document before you act

Before any conversation or escalation, document what you've observed. Specific dates, specific incidents, specific outcomes. This does three things:

1. It forces you to distinguish between a pattern and a collection of one-off events
2. It gives you something concrete to reference in any conversation
3. It protects you legally if the situation escalates

Documentation doesn't have to be elaborate — a private note in a dated log is enough.

Have the direct conversation (carefully)

In some situations, addressing favoritism directly with your manager is the right move. This works best when: - You have a good enough relationship with your manager to be direct - The favoritism is about a specific thing you want (a project, a promotion, recognition) rather than a general pattern - You believe your manager is capable of hearing the feedback without becoming defensive and punishing you for it

If you're going to have this conversation, anchor it in specifics and in what you want, not in an accusation about fairness:

"I've been working toward the X project and I want to understand where I stand. I've been contributing Y and Z — what would I need to demonstrate to be considered for that opportunity?"

This is a different conversation than "it's unfair that Jordan keeps getting the best projects." The first is actionable and focused on you. The second is true, possibly, but puts your manager on the defensive and rarely changes anything.

Go around your manager (if needed)

If the favoritism is coming from your direct manager and direct conversation won't work, your options are: - Build relationships with other leaders who can create opportunities for you outside your direct manager's control - Seek visibility in other parts of the organization through cross-functional work - Go to HR if the favoritism is tied to a protected characteristic (race, gender, age, etc.) — this is when it becomes discrimination, not just unfairness - Find a new team within the organization

These are not shortcuts around the conversation — they're the available paths when the direct conversation isn't safe or productive.

Know when the organization is the problem

Some organizations run on favoritism as a feature, not a bug. The leadership models it. The culture rewards it. HR is not independent. In these environments, the question isn't how to navigate favoritism — it's whether to stay.

The signs that the organization (not just one manager) is the problem: - The pattern is consistent across different managers - People who raise concerns about fairness are managed out or sidelined - Promotions and compensation decisions are consistently opaque - HR consistently sides with management when employees raise concerns

If three or more of these are true, the problem isn't something you can navigate around. It's structural, and the right question is whether the career path you're on is worth the cost of operating in it.

One more thing

Favoritism often gets absorbed as a personal failure — a belief that if you were better, more likable, more connected, you'd be treated fairly. This is usually wrong.

Organizations that tolerate favoritism have a fairness problem. People who experience favoritism are experiencing a real thing, not a perception problem. Naming that clearly — to yourself, first — matters, because the path forward is different depending on whether the problem is your performance or the organization's fairness.

Assess it clearly. Act on the right diagnosis.

Practice the conversation about fairness, recognition, or opportunity — with a manager, skip-level, or HR partner.